John Mulaney’s Fight With Three 14-Year-Olds Was a Bit of a Letdown

On a Wednesday evening, John Mulaney delivered on his promise to face off against three 14-year-old boys. Well, he mostly delivered.

"Four weeks ago, I promised to fight three 14-year-olds," Mulaney announced during Everybody’s Live with John Mulaney. "From thousands of submissions, we’ve selected three young men who are about to join me on the mat." His tone was playful but determined as he addressed the audience: "All you at home, all you’ve done is talk, talk, talk. It's time to end the smack talk, end the conjecture, and settle this—man-to-boy."

The rules for this final segment of his "What Is on the Mind of Teens?" episode were straightforward yet oddly specific: no punching, no kicking, no gouging, no biting. Headlocks were allowed, provided one of your opponent’s arms was included in the encirclement. In essence, it wasn’t so much a fight as it was a carefully choreographed grappling session—a dance more than a brawl.

Despite the measured nature of the match, the live studio audience buzzed with anticipation. Guest Adam Sandler and executive producer/announcer Richard Kind set the stage with lively introductions for the teenage competitors. However, Kind seemed less enthusiastic about introducing Mulaney himself—a slight that didn’t escape the comedian’s notice. The crowd had clear favorites; when Mulaney was booed by some members of his own audience, he playfully flipped them off.

With their shoes, socks, watches, rings, and ties removed, the four fighters stepped onto an amateur-wrestling mat surrounded by pro-wrestling-style ropes (though these were more akin to red carpet velvet ropes). The boys, dressed identically to Mulaney in suits and ties, added wrestling headgear for safety.

Ding-ding.

Mulaney lunged immediately toward the largest of the trio, who quickly took charge while the others assisted where they could. Within moments, the 42-year-old comedian found himself face-down on the mat, ensnared in a perfectly legal headlock. With a tap, Mulaney conceded defeat. The entire spectacle lasted a mere 50 seconds—or roughly two puffs of Sean Penn's cigarette from the sidelines.

You can watch clips of the match